The south Indian actor, who survived a brutal sexual assault in 2017 in Kerala's Kochi, said she would continue her fight for justice and dignity without bothering about its outcome.
Speaking to senior journalist Barkha Dutt at a virtual summit, We The Women Global Townhall 2022, the actor said what happened to her on February 17, 2017, turned her life upside down. She said she spent a lot of time blaming herself and searching for someone or something to put the blame on before realising that she was a survivor, not a victim.
The Keralite actor, who has worked in all south Indian languages, said she had thought of giving up the fight several times. She termed the trial period an altogether different traumatic experience.
“When it happened to me, my whole life had turned upside down. My mind was constantly searching for something or someone to put the blame on so that I can have an easy exit. For instance, I was thinking maybe if my father was alive it wouldn't have happened to me. Or if I had a shooting the next day, it wouldn't have happened. There were so many what-ifs,” she said.
“I used to think of it as a long nightmare. There have been so many times I desperately wanted to get back to the time before it happened, so that I could change everything and that my life will be normal,” she said.
She said the trial of the case in 2020 was a different level of traumatic experience.
“I had to go to the court for 15 days. Those days were a different level of traumatic experience altogether. When I came out of the court on the 15th day, I felt like a survivor. I realised that I'm not a victim anymore. I'm not just standing up for myself but also for the dignity of all the girls who will come after me,” he said.
To a question on where did she find the strength to come out, she said she has been very grateful for the people who stood with her.
“The five years' journey was very very difficult. There are people who stood with me and then there are also some people who comfortably sit on TV channels and talk about me. They don't even know me. They are random people accusing me of what happened. At the same time, there was also this kind of negative PR or propaganda happening on social media that the whole incident was premeditated, that I staged it and it's a fake case. All that was very painful to listen to. Something so unfortunate happened to me and I was devastated. I was broken into a million pieces. While I was trying to pick those pieces up and trying to stand up and to face life again, these kinds of things were pulling me down. Sometimes I wanted to scream at the top of my lungs to these people that my parents didn't raise me like that. My dignity was already snatched from me and I was victim-shamed. It was very easy for them to pull me down again. That hurt me really bad. I was not on social media during that time luckily,” she said.
She said when she joined Instagram in 2019, she used to get a lot of messages from random people asking why doesn't she commit suicide. “When in January I wrote on Instagram (about my fight) I just wanted to put it out there. I just wanted to let people know this is what has been happening in my life. I'm grateful to those who stood by me and when I put it out there it was very very cathartic,” she said.
Asked what keeps her going, the actor firmly answered that it was her will.
“I should fight and prove that I didn't do anything wrong. I just want to prove my innocence. My dignity was shredded to a million pieces. I have to get it back. My family, friends and so many people like the Women in Cinema Collective have been standing by me. The strength and courage they give me are enormous which I can't even put in words. So my will ultimately is like I have gone through this and I had to endure what I had to. But let me fight and let me prove that I didn't do anything wrong,” she said.
Asked if she was hopeful or fearful, she said she was going through mixed emotions. She said even though she was denied work in Malayalam, there were several colleagues and friends who encouraged her to work.
“ After the incident so many of them offered me work in Malayalam industry. They insisted that I should come back and work in Malayalam again,” she said, naming Aashiq Abu, Prithviraj, Jinu Abrham, Bhadran, Shaji Kailas and Jayasurya.
“ So many of them have approached me and offered me work but I had to turn it down for five years because I was too traumatised to come back to the same industry and work again pretending that nothing has happened. I was not in the right frame of my mind with this case and the trial. I think I just stayed away from that industry for my peace of mind but I continued to work in other languages. I have now started hearing some Malayalam scripts,” she said.
To a question on the toxicity, especially on social media, the survivor-actor said, she tries to ignore them.
“If that gives them some happiness let them do or write what they like. I can't make everyone happy. I can't convince everyone that this is what happened. They will believe what they want to believe. I know my conscience is clear,” she said.
On a lot of perpetrators of sexual assault getting away with their crimes for want of proof and getting socially and professionally rehabilitated, the actor said such stories made her really angry.
“We should normalise the idea of a person who has gone through any trauma coming out in public and voicing it out. As a society, we should encourage that courage and that should be normalised,” she said.
On being asked what she would say to other women who face such atrocities and remain silent she said, she would keep fighting without worrying about the outcome of it.
"What if I didn't say about it! What if I didn't file a complaint! What would have happened to my life! I will tell from my journey that I would rather give a very strong fight without worrying about the outcome.”
“I was saddened, shocked and amazed seeing the number of messages I received from women across the countries. Some of the other traumas they have gone through in their lives, it's horrifying. It's so sad to read about them. They are saying you represent us and trust me that gives me no happiness at all. So many women are silent. They have kept their traumas within themselves because they are scared to open up," she said.
The trial in the sexual assault case is in its final stages in a special court in Kerala's Kochi where the crime took place. Popular Malayalam actor Dileep is accused of plotting the abduction and assault of the actor in an act of revenge. Dileep was arrested and jailed for 85 days before being granted bail. The Crime Branch recently booked Dileep and his close associates in another case about the conspiracy to harm the investigation officers. The high court has granted him anticipatory bail in the conspiracy case.